Photo credit: News 24
Curated Opinions (around the world) as distilled from different sources
I don’t really know how to answer this question but I will share a personal experience where I felt the need to blame the age gap.
2 years ago, I was newly married. I was 20, still in University. My husband was 24. That is considered the perfect age gap in our culture. After marriage we moved in two a new house. And were warmly welcomed by our new neighbors who were also newly married. Let’s say Stella and John. It seemed odd right away because John seemed like a much older person than Stella. But then I was no one to judge. However, we didn’t even ask but the wife put out their age and John seemed a bit shocked by that I guess. We didn’t ask but we felt satisfied to know. They were married for 6 months.
John was near his 40s and Stella was 22. She explained herself that they both love each other so much that age wasn’t a factor. We didn’t ask for a justification either lol. We became great friends eventually. We would have small get togethers. They both always seemed to love each other a lot. We had become really good friends. It’s like whenever we would be free we would meet up and have dinner together. In about a month, Stella’s love for John seemed to change a little. Before Stella and John would continually praise each other and talk about how much they loved each other. But then Stella started to avoid those conversations and smile awkwardly when John expressed his love for her. I addressed this to my husband and he also felt the same.
One of the get togethers, Stella and I were in the kitchen preparing food while the guys were chilling in the living room. I hesitantly asked her while laughing that is she getting bored of expressing the love. I remember so clearly, she smiled in a drunk way and told me “If you are literally married to someone your dad’s age, life becomes a joke”. After finishing her sentence she forcefully chugged the whole glass down her throat. John was 18 years older than her. I was shocked but still continued the friendship. I tried asking about it to her many times but she laughed it off.
Another one of those get togethers of us and them, we were eating dinner and John and Stella both looked dull. Eventually the boys ran out of drinks and so my husband decided to go and grab one from the bar beside the kitchen which was in a separate room in quite a good distance from the dining room. Stella politely excused herself to go to the bathroom. Me and John were now having a friendly conversation. Of course Stella wouldn’t do anything with my husband considering how much she loves John. And last time I checked, my husband loved me to hahah!
It was about 5 minutes and I decided to go check. I mean Stella’s in the washroom and my husband just to went to grab a drink, why is he taking so long? I went to check and literally found Stella trying to bring my husband closer to her and proposing to him while my husband is politely trying to push her away. She continued that until I shouted her name. Before I interrupted her, she was telling MY husband how much of a big mistake she had made marrying such an elderly man and huh! Asking my husband for forgiveness. What the hell?! She was literally saying sorry to my husband while forcing herself on him. After I interrupted her she immediately led go of him. John also came to see the situation. Me and my husband told him everything but he didn’t believe us as the drama queen started crying and telling him that we are cooking stories. I was so angry, I almost wanted to rip her hair out. She was not only trying to cheat her man who loves her so much but also trying to break my home. They left as John scolded us.
I was really hurt by that for some reasons and felt that my happiness was about to be stolen even though I trust him so much. And that’s such a sad feeling, no one deserves to feel that. But he told me that he loves me. That almost felt just as good as the first time he told me that. Which is weird because I know he loves me.
Few days later, we hear a fuss outside. We go outside and watch as we see John throwing her baggages outside his house while she was doing tears drama again. He was cussing at her. And then we found out she got caught cheating via phone.
I felt that age gap has truly played a role in this. You can’t really change my mind. They were also newly married. And sometimes I heard stories from Stella that how much she had to go against everyone to be with him and how much she loves him from the heart. And that was not even in front of my husband or hers. It’s hard to believe that her stories were a lie.
That depends entirely on how old the people involved are.
Age 21 and Age 14 = PROBLEM!
Age 33 and Age 40 = No big deal.
There isn’t one answer to this. An age gap of seven years can put people into slightly different generational experiences and at different points in their lives. The older you are, the less that matters. There’s a rule of thumb that says “Half your age + 7 years” Clearly, the gap would widen over time. There are, of course, exceptions, people are individuals who are not defined by numbers as simple as their age.
The biggest things to be aware of are when the age difference contributes to:
- Difficulty communicating because of a lack of shared experiences
- Competing priorities because people are at vastly different points in their career / education / family planing paths (ie: he’s in college still while she has a career and is wanting to settle down to start a family…)
- Unbalanced power within the relationship (often because the older person is in a position of greater financial strength and carries this through to exert control of other decisions.)
That doesn’t mean that an age gap causes these things to happen to people, and there are always, always exceptions… but they are things to be aware of.
I think that a difference over 8 years is pushing it. I married my 2nd husband when I was 33 and he 53. The first 10 years was pretty good, even though I was the one who was expected to make all the adjustments and compromises, I had to accept his church, etc. It became harder as we grew older, he became more controlling, kept treating me like a child, even when I started working, and I never was allowed to buy something from our supposedly joint account. As he neared 70, our marriage became sexless, and I was told that sensuality is not important for a good marriage, even though I wasn’t even 50 at the time. As I remember, he was very active in his 50s, but then he expected me to become frigid? I felt that this is very unfair, and then he became suspicious, and making me feel ashamed. Eventually after 18 years of marriage my body broke, and I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I divorced and started counseling.
In a marriage with a big difference there is an unequal balance of power. Also, older men are experienced, interesting, seductive, know what to do so their behavior go under the radar, and if they want to manipulate you, you have no chance to hold your own. They also know how to pick women who are in vulnerable position and with boundary issues who will see them either as “white knight”, or as a “last chance”, or as the “father figure” they never had.
Older men sway lots of power over you, and power is different from love. It is very magnetic, and can be very hard to escape, even when you realize that it is hurting
Whether a relationship with a large age gap is a bad idea depends on various factors, including the individuals involved, their life stages, and the dynamics of the relationship. Here are some considerations:
Pros:
- Different Perspectives: Partners from different generations can bring unique viewpoints and experiences, enriching the relationship.
- Maturity Levels: An older partner may bring more emotional maturity, while a younger partner might offer fresh energy and enthusiasm.
- Common Interests: If both partners share common interests and values, the age difference may be less significant.
Cons:
- Life Goals and Stages: Partners may be at different stages in life, leading to potential conflicts over priorities, such as career, family, or lifestyle choices.
- Social Acceptance: Society may judge or stigmatize relationships with significant age gaps, which can create external pressure.
- Power Dynamics: There might be imbalances in power and influence, particularly if one partner is significantly older and more established.
Key Factors for Success:
- Communication: Open and honest dialogue about expectations, boundaries, and future goals is crucial.
- Mutual Respect: Both partners should respect each other’s perspectives and experiences.
- Shared Values: Aligning on core values and life goals can help bridge the age gap.
Ultimately, the success of any relationship, regardless of age, hinges on the compatibility and commitment of the partners involved.
I am in an age gap marriage. There are many positives but being real there are some negatives too, such as
- it’s hard to relate to his friends, sometimes to the point of awkward
- I don’t have a very good understanding of his work challenges or successes
- I watch girl movies; he watches WWII documentaries
- he has zero interest in having kids (he already has a grown-up one)
- his family isn’t all that psyched (but they’re extremely dysfunctional/toxic anyway, so who cares?)
- his work colleagues don’t know what to make of me
- he’s pretty doggone set in his ways — but at least he’s able to laugh at himself about that
- he has done a ton of stuff in his life that I just have no experience with, so it’s just over my head
Other than that it has been absolutely awesome! The positives far far outweigh the few negatives. I feel like the safest woman alive. My car is magically kept full of gas, I never have to open a door, and bills and stuff get paid seemingly automatically. Basic common courtesy and a really good attitude are in ample supply.
